first words

There is a simple beauty in the late hours of night… solitude, peaceful house, slumbering loved ones, candles burning, tea brewing… alone with ones heart and mind.

Its here that I write my first words in a blog…

Now this ‘blog’, as we call it, is not for you. Its not for the masses or the few. Its to help unblock the knotted tangled mess of my mind and creativity that I know is somewhere under my flat hair, growing body, and crooked smile. I don’t really blame anyone but myself for this mess… and even then ‘blame’ is not the right word. By not attentive to my talents, I have let them sleep for far too long. Now they are like a teenager in school holidays… impossible to stir and get moving until a mature hour of the day.

However, there are things I could say caused the block – seasons I have experienced, tragedies endured and lived through… but I know the main cause of this ‘writers block’ is one common to many creative souls…

fear

fear has shouted, paraded, antagonised and bullied my soul into a corner. And I have allowed this to happen. Stood by and watched without raising a finger or speaking a word. Cowardly and weak.

Fears reign in my senses has come to an end. How? by making the simple decision to live by faith.

To choose to have confidence.

Do I care if you read this?

Do I care if you think its rubbish?

Do I care if it makes sense?

At this point – no. Fear will not drive me to make decisions about my life based on what YOU think. Confidence and faith draw me to make choices based on what I believe about myself and my future regardless of what mans limited thinking and understanding can assume of me. They lead me to a higher way of thinking and living. We’re its not really about me at all – but Christ and what he has entrusted into my very being to carry out on the earth.

One day I will care what you think and if it makes sense. But it will be from the point of view of giving to you, not receiving from you.

And there is a simple beauty in that one too…

like the warmth of my now brewed tea in my hands, I am learning to let giving warm me rather than receiving. To let the motivation be not entertainment, but impartation.

So until the impartation is ripe, these first words shall remain between me myself and I.

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About lizmilani

wife mother friend
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